By Heba Alshareef
Karima and Mona (not their real names) have not been friends for long, and their differences might mean soon they will no longer be friends.
“I do like her, but her constant worrying is depressing,” Karima mentioned to me, because after months of working together, she knows I can empathise with her situation.
“It’s taken me this long to get over my own anxiety. Am I strong enough to help her deal with hers?”
Karima used to be the kind of person who would stay up until the wee hours of the morning fretting about anything and everything.
* Were the new shoes she bought worth the price?
* Was her job safe from the chopping block?
* Would the cough she developed turn into something really dangerous?
The thoughts would go round and round in her brain, depriving her of sleep, and making her feel like she was never in control of her life. Her mother had worried herself into her grave, and Karima did not want to do the same thing. She had been committed to change and, with the mercy of Allah (SWT), change had come.
Then she met Mona, who had recently been through a difficult situation, and constantly felt like things would be going from bad to worse. For the better part of her life, Mona had lived comfortably free of any major worries – but then again, she hadn’t been tested like this before. Karima really wanted to help Mona, but she was afraid of being pulled back in and succumbing to the constant worry that had once plagued her. So, she asked me to help.
Here’s the seven step plan I shared with the two friends, and if you’re prone to worrying or just in a rut right now to the point that you cannot seem to get out of it (or you know someone who is in that situation), the following should help alleviate the condition. May Allah (SWT) ease the suffering of burdened hearts.
Understand Worry
First, it’s important to realize that while the act of worrying may make you feel distressed or anxious; it isn’t actually a feeling in and of itself. Worry is a thought process – a constant “what if” thought process that has one obsessively focused on a problem (whether it is an actual problem or just something that one ‘believes’ is a problem). Worrying makes you visit this problem repeatedly, and it does not seem like there is a solution in sight.
Second, not all worrying is bad. Sometimes, worry can be the start of opening a door that will lead to a proactive resolution to an actual problem. However, when it goes too far, it can make you believe that you are working on finding a solution, when, in fact, you are just going in circles aimlessly. When worrying goes too far, it can become harmful, deadly even.
Step number one is to analyze the type of worrying that you are experiencing, and then categorize it. Ask yourself how you can turn it towards being productive.
As for all the other kinds of worries that do not come under the category of “usefulness”, keep reading.
Go ahead, Worry!
A technique that really worked for Karima was the “I’m giving myself 30 minutes to worry like crazy” technique. For so long, she’d attempted to scare herself into quitting the worrying habit, telling herself things like, “you’re going to have a heart attack” or “you turn every little thing into a big deal – you’ll never be able to stop.”
But the constant fretting about something makes the appeal of it even more dangerous. For example, if you’ve ever gone on a diet and told yourself you can’t eat cookies anymore, what do you always want to cheat on your diet with? Cookies!
Therefore, by allowing yourself the time to worry – and only the appointed time slot – you minimize the craving to do it over and over again. Karima tells me that her “designated 30 minute worry time” gives her permission to fret, and go crazy with all the things she is anxious about. The time becomes a sort of therapeutic release. When it’s done, she finds she didn’t even need the entire 30 minutes and she’s able to turn her focus on finding solutions to that which is burdening her.
Build Your Confidence
If you are always expecting the worst, and you are afraid that you will not be able to handle it when it occurs then you are entrapping yourself into a life that will not allow you to live to your potential. Realizing that everyone worries at some point, and that they soldier on despite that worry is the first step to realizing that you can do the same.
As part of her job, Karima sometimes has to make presentations in front of influential people, and she used to worry that she would be so bad at it that she would get fired. Then, one day she spoke to a co-worker who told her that the idea of public speaking used to make her physically sick, but her drive to climb the corporate ladder made her ignore that, and do her speeches anyway. Karima realized she could follow this example.
It is a sure thing about confidence building: when you do things you previously thought you could not do, your self-assurance gets a boost. This in turn will help you see that you have what it takes, and that you can handle any situation that is causing you to worry.
Take solace in the verse from the Qur’an:
{And Allah does not burden any soul more than it can handle} (Al Baqarah 2: 286)
Visualize Casting Your Worries Away
In life coaching or therapy techniques, practioners recommend a regimen of visualization to help dissipate or make your worries go away. These days, when Karima is feeling overwhelmed, she takes her lunch break in the park, and watches the leaves falling from the trees (it is autumn in her part of the world).
“I imagine my worries as the leaf falling from the branch. I watch the slow descent, feel the burden falling from my shoulders too,” it seems like she is dreaming as she remembers, and I feel happy for her.
Karima continues: “I anticipate change, just like I know that the only constant is change – just like I know that the colours of the leaves have changed before they fell. And yet the tree remains solid, its roots deep in the ground, unburdened by the change.”
If you were a tree, which tree would you be? Can you see your leaves (worries) falling away?
Love Your Daily Routine and Take a Walk!
Oftentimes, the things that we waste our time worrying about have no real bearing or pose no real threat to the routine of our lives. And it is in that routine that those prone to worry should find comfort from the anxiety that plagues them. The sound of the alarm clock, the morning coffee, the after-school snack, these are examples of the daily happenings that can bring certainty, and reassurance that life goes on. It is about allowing familiar patterns to bring structure, and to hold their foundation in the storms of worry.
If you do not do so already, make sure to add an exercise session to the familiar patterns of your day. Thirty minutes walking or working out will stimulate all the “good hormones” and this is sure to minimize the tendency to worry.
Practice Gratitude
Last Friday, the Imam’s khutbah (sermon) reminded people of all the favours of Allah (SWT) bestowed upon them. He mentioned the ayah (verse):
{…and if you were to count the blessings of Allah, you would not be able to reckon them} (Al-Ibrahim 14:34)
Without doubt, this is the most wonderful patience building technique to practice in order to minimize the harm done by worrying. When you feel a worry coming on, start counting your blessings instead. Worry will turn into gratitude, and gratitude will turn into happiness, which is an additional blessing to add to the pot. Al hamdu Lillah, al hamdu Lillah, al hamdu Lillah…
Practice Problem Solving
As I mentioned in step one, there are the worries that serve us well, and when we make the effort to actively seek out solutions to other kinds, we are increasing the chances that all worries will become useful and not harmful. I am a big advocate of journal writing to help define issues and remedies to those issues. Try brainstorming solutions to give you new perspective on a worry that is plaguing you. The helpful insights will open doors and empower you insha-Allah.
When I reminded Karima that she could practice problem solving regarding her situation with Mona (she was worried about falling into old habits if the two remained friends), she promptly came up with ways that she could turn this particular worry into something positive. The two of them are now the best of friends, and very supportive of one another. Karima and Mona can be seen taking walks together (getting their exercise in) and sitting in front of trees. It looks as if they do not have a care in the world.
Heba Alshareef is a teacher and author of Release Your Inner Queen of Sheba! She has been mentoring women around the world to discover their unique talents, act on their aspirations to achieve great things, and find authentic happiness. She lives with her husband and five children near Toronto, Canada. Visit her online at: www.iamsheba.com
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